Tuesday, August 3, 2010

my mom

i think today will always be a hard day.  the day my mom left this earth.  i struggle with the emotions of being angry or jealous or feeling that it is unfair.  i struggle with sadness.  a sadness beyond anything i have ever felt.  i keep waiting for the day when i will think of her and feel happy.  immediately happy.  happy for all the things that were and the memories i have.  happy for the place that she now gets to be.  those feelings are in me, but they seem to get so buried under all the other emotions, that i guess i also struggle with pulling that happiness to the top.  i struggle with how to react to this day.  how to honor and remember her.  how to talk about her so that my kids will always know her.  how do we live without mothers?  what do we do when they are gone?

so, we eat donuts and dilly bars (my mom had a wee bit of a sweet tooth)...

and i always get an iced tea.  not a drink i ever get, but my mom always did.  i have very vivid memories of trying to steal a sip of her coke, only to find out it was not coke at all.  the taste of iced tea brings her immediately to my mind...  i tell my kids about how she loved those things.  they already know, but i tell them again.  sometimes on sundays, after mass if they happen to get a donut, one of them will occasionally say to me, "mom, nona loved donuts, huh?"  and that always makes me smile.  and so it goes.  i know i will always miss my mom.  i just have to figure out how to let that happiness win out over the sorrow.  after all, i know happiness is what she wants for me.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Wow, you look so much like her!

I lost my mum 22 years ago, when I was seven. Talking is good, even when hard. Your kids can still know her xx